Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Tooth Fairy



I can read a detailed autopsy report at work as I savour my lunch, but I have a difficult time dealing with the first “rite of passage” for children: loosing teeth.

During a reading exercise at school one day, the kids were asked how many teeth they had lost. Most had lost more than 3, some 3, a few had lost 2…and then there was Nathan at 0. He was upset. He felt like he didn’t fit in.

We were all happy when his bottom two teeth started to wiggle…until I felt them. As soon as I could feel and see them wiggle, shivers went down my spine. I don’t know why I find it so gross, but it literally makes me cringe every time I see them move.

They wiggled for a long time. I thought they’d never come out, until…

We invited Grandma and Grandpa over for a sushi dinner one night. Nathan was chewing his first California roll of the meal when he started complaining, “RRR Mm Mmrrmr Rrmrm RRmmM!!!!” (which is roll-speak for “Ow, my tooth is sore”). I looked at him and he’s got blood dripping out of his mouth, and one of his loose teeth is sticking out parallel to the table.

I wanted to vomit.

He spat out the roll (let’s stop for a moment and mourn the waste of sushi), and asked me for help, with his tooth pointing right at me. No way I’m dealing with that. Daddy guts fish, HE can help. Off they went to the bathroom allowing me to try and regain my appetite.

Seconds later, I hear Colin offering congratulatory praise to Nathan. I knew this meant he’d lost his first tooth! YAY! I was so excited for him, and so proud!

Everyone cheered for him, and I asked him to show me his tooth as soon as he got back to the table. He offered his open hand with a yellowy piece of bone covered in blood.

My eyes widen, as I stare at this piece of hazardous waste that used to be part of my child. I put down my chopsticks, as I won’t need them for a while.

As I’m staring, I’m wondering if it would be discourteous if I don’t touch it. Then he asks, “Something tastes funny. Is my mouth bleeding?”

I looked up to see this deep socket, emptied of everything except the steady stream of blood oozing from it, covering his gums and bottom lip.

“Yup, buddy. You’re bleeding a bit”, I said calmly as I willed the valves in my stomach to remain closed.

He was much too excited to eat anymore (plus, it would have tasted like blood anyway). Usually I’d be happy because that means more sushi for me, but this time, I didn’t know if I my appetite would allow me to salvage the rest of my meal.

As it was nearing bedtime, I realized we’d never talked about the “tooth fairy” bit before. I asked him if he’d heard about the tooth fairy at school. He asked me, “Mommy, the tooth fairy isn’t real…is it?”

“Nope. I am the tooth fairy. I’ve heard that some of your friends got $5 for losing their first tooth. But I’m telling you now so you’re not disappointed in the morning…it’s $2 for the first and $1 for the rest”.

Yah, yah, call me a fun killer. And I’m sorry if Nathan told your kids. But at least I still put on fairy wings when I stole the Ziploc bag from under his pillow.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Pirates for a Day



Unfortunate circumstances brought us to the Island last weekend. An Aunt of mine passed away, and we were there for the funeral. Since it costs a bazillion dollars to use a BC Ferry, we thought we’d make the most of it and stay an extra day on the Island. Besides, Colin and I needed to decompress, and the kids needed some fun time to be loud and act as kids.



We had 24 hours of fun, skiing Mount Washington (well, the bottom part of it), swimming, watersliding, and Jacuzzi tubbing. After checkout, we had loads of time to leisurely make our way to the ferry.



We took our time, stopping at some beaches, and the Coombs Market that has the goats on the roof. As we were driving, we saw a sign for a Parrot Refuge in Coombs. We still had a few hours until our ferry, so we thought we’d inquire about it.



We drove into the lot and saw a sign stating “please pay for admission in the thrift shop”. The thrift shop? That’s odd, but okay.



I went in to ask for admission prices, and I got a whole spiel about the refuge and the birds within. In a nutshell: most of the parrots are donated by owners who can’t care for them anymore, and the others are rescued, often in bad physical shape. They are nursed back to health, and released into the massive enclosures of like-parrots where they will spend the rest of their days. Some of the parrots are even living outside of the enclosures. Flying free… well… as a bird.



As she’s talking, I am distracted by the squawks in the thrift shop. Maybe she noticed, because she explained, “We even have a parrot palliative care unit here in the thrift shop”, as she gestured toward a thin curtain near the back of the shop, not unlike one you’d see separating gurneys in an emergency room.



Hmmm. Creeeepy. As soon as I could get her to take a breath in her sales pitch, I went back to the car to report the admission price to Colin. I thought we’d be on our way at that point, but “Let’s go in!”, he said. “It’ll be fun!”, he said.



Much to my surprise, I head back in to pay. After completing the transaction, she gave me a set of verbal instructions/warnings far too vast to remember or list all of them.



Such as:



-         In some areas, parrots walk around. Be careful you don’t step on them

-         Don’t take your purse. They’ll try to get in it

-         No hats. They’ll try to take them.

-         When you walk down the halls, they’ll try to reach out and grab you

-         Don’t worry if they start pecking your shoes or laces

-         Parrots bite



With that, she handed me four pairs of earplugs and told me to enjoy myself.



I gave a quizzical glance to which she replied, “It’s pretty noisy in there, ha ha haaa!”.



As we walked toward the massive 23,000 square foot Refuge, I reflected on my contempt for birds. Why on EARTH am I heading into a Parrot Refuge? I hate birds. I can appreciate their beauty, but something about them scares me. Could it be the beady eyes? The spastic noises? The large talons? The sharp beaks that could pluck out my eyeballs? Plus, they seem to have an understated intelligence and confidence that makes me feel inferior. {shudder}



We walked into the building and are immediately greeted by a noise wall of squawks and screams (I think coming from birds). A Cockatoo started walking towards us. We exit the building.



Wow. Who knew we needed the same ear protection that we did for the Monster Jam show?



We inserted the earplugs. The Cockatoo had made its way to the front door and was peering out at us with his eyelid-less googly eyes. We worried that it would escape if we opened the door, but it was only interested in following us around.



The first corridor was odd. I’ll call it the “Parrot Rehab” room. There are parrots to your left. Parrots to your right. Parrots in front, overhead and underfoot. Some were in cages, but most were given the freedom to go wherever they wanted. I give props to the kids for not being terrified! The birds didn’t look too healthy here. Some were missing most of their feathers, missing talons, and one had a large bloody sore on his belly. I felt bad for them, but secretly wished the whole Refuge wasn’t going to be like this. It wasn’t.



Through the next door was my favourite room. The Macaw room. There was a walkway between two massive enclosures. They really are given a lot of room to fly! There were dozens upon dozens of beautiful macaws of every colour of the rainbow, and they were all…behind bars! I was glad because these birds are HUGE. Much bigger than I thought they’d be. Capable of carrying Evan off, perhaps?




Next was the Cockatoo room. Another 100% caged environment. Stink, those birds are L-O-U-D. As we made our way down the walkway, we met a Cockatoo. I’m serious. We literally MET him. He said, “Hi” or “Hello” to each one of us, and stuck out his talons to be shaken. Despite Colin’s fear that the bird would actually pull him through the fence and attack him, he still was courteous and shook the Cockatoo’s talon. Since most of these birds have been trained pets, many could talk. The kids LOVED that.




Just as my heart rate was returning to normal, and I was really starting to enjoy myself, we got to….



The “Amazon and Africa” House.



We walked through the door into utter mayhem. There were birds flying EV-RY-WHERE. And not just little ones…majestic Macaws and cranky Cockatoos. Eclectus parrots, and African Greys.



I felt like I was in a horror movie! I couldn’t turn my back on anything because there was feathered evil planning my demise at all angles! They’d fly so close to my head that I could feel the wind of their wings on my ears! I walked past these Macaws, who watched me, close enough to peck out my eyeballs.



Then one took a swipe at my phone! AHHH SAVE ME!!!





We weren’t in there very long when the first parrot flew up to Colin and landed on his shoulder. Let's name this one "Nice". The two of them formed quite a bond in the next 30 minutes or so. I’m not sure why Colin was the preferred perch. Possibly because he was wearing all brown and is tall and thin (think: tree)? Perhaps he is a pirate? Whatever the case, bird after bird kept landing on his shoulders and arms, sometimes in pairs!



The kids and I thought it was a hoot. Most of the time, Colin did too. I knew already that he is an animal whisperer, I just didn’t know he is also a bird whisperer (although if you whisper anything in that room…nothin’s hearing ya).



He even had some quality time with Psycockatoo:





We went into another section of the room with a table of food. The birds help themselves. Nice followed him and sat on his shoulder. Colin kept giving food to Nice, but it would fling it to the side every time.



Psycockatoo also followed. On foot. Which is almost more creepy than flying. I mean, he’s got wings and he can fly. But he’s so nonchalant and confident that he can get you even without rushing. Like the killers in the movies who walk after their victims.



I took my eyes off of Psycockatoo to take photos and videos of the kids. Suddenly, I look beside me and see him:




…right beside my head… ready to eat my ear.



What happened next, all took place in about 15 seconds. A bird landed on Nathan and he handled it well. I’m frantically trying to switch my iPhone from video to photo setting when out of nowhere…a parrot lands on MY shoulder! I freak out instantly. It’s akin to a spider landing in your lap. A snake in your toilet when you lift the lid. A rat in your bed when you pull down the sheets.



Colin got the phone and tried to take a photo of what he called an “epic” facial expression (instead of scaring the feathered beast off of me). Alas, the phone was full.



I don’t even know what bird was on my shoulder. I just know it wasn’t Psycockatoo, because Psycockatoo was on the floor biting Evan’s hand!!!




His hand is purple with a triangle dent on it.



I picked him up and ran outta there like Napoleon Dynamite fleeing a chicken coop. Once outside, we cuddled and cursed the “Naughty Bird” over and over.



“I only wanted to feel his soft feathers”, said Evan.



“Sweetie, mommy warned you not to put your hands near the birds”, I gently remind him once the shrieking subsided.



“I couldn’t hear you!! I was wearing earplugs!!”.



Touché.



Our nightmare is over, but Nate and Colin are still in there. As we walk the grounds gathering nutshells to calm Evan down, I wonder why there are acresof rows of shrubbery growing. Are you a plant nursery, Parrot Refuge, or Thrift Store? Make up your mind!



What I know they AREN’T is sanitary. I asked where the hand washing station is, and they looked at me like I was speaking Greek. They said there is sanitizer in the Thrift Store. One woman said she thinks she could find water somewhere. 



Back in the Refuge, the other boys are enjoying themselves when the Mother-of-all-Parrots (let’s call him Goliath) decided to perch on the Colin tree. Look at this guy’s beak!






SCARY. He is probably over 3 feet tall.



Colin isn’t one to always follow the rules. The staff told me to leave my purse in the car. At first, I thought they were planning on robbing me while I was in there. I wanted to keep it with me so they could identify my body if needed, but upon risk of a bird getting in my purse and then coming home with me, I listened.



Colin didn’t listen when they said not to wear his hat. So when Goliath was on Colin’s shoulder, he tried to steal his hat. He used the jaws-of-life beak of his to peck at Colin’s head to remove his hat. Nathan was howling with laughter, Colin was not.



When they were done, they came out to meet us. We left feeling relieved, mad, excited, in awe, and covered in a layer of avian flu germs. 

(Even though the whole experience was downright sketchy,  I am actually glad we went. The staff love the birds and are giving them a much better life. Keep up the good work, but please install a handwashing station)

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Boat Launching 101


It’s been too long since I’ve blogged about boats.

If you’ve been to a boat launch, you’ve experienced this. You’re probably on a nice relaxing and/or romantic walk at the beach. You notice people launching boats, so you rest on the pier and shamelessly watch people as the yell, curse and get drenched with oil-stained water. It’s people-watching at its finest.

To fully appreciate what I’m about to tell you, you must understand the flip side of the coin. That is, how to launch a boat. So here is “Boat Launching 101”:



 This is not my boat and I have no idea what the torpedo thing on the front is, 
but you get the idea.

1. Driver: back up boat trailer partially into water.

2. Assistant: get on tailgate and release safety latch. Crank winch handle counter clockwise until there is slack in the tether (which hooks the boat to the trailer).

3. Assistant: unhook boat from winch and hold onto it with the rope.

4. Driver: reverse truck deeper into the water. Stop suddenly so the boat will release off the trailer easier and launch into the water.

5. Driver: park for free somewhere. Cuz who wants to pay $15 per day to park?

Sounds easy enough, yes? You may think so, but I will not graduate you until you try it for yourself. Because launching boats is enough to cause a divorce (especially if you have a piece of crap trailer like ours was, which, is another story in itself). From choppy tides to rush hour dock conditions to heckling onlookers… it is a stressful situation in the best of times. Even though Colin and I are no strangers to launching boats, for some reason, the two of us together kinda suck at it. Especially at Rocky Point Park.

On this particular day, Colin and I were heading up with some friends to spend the weekend at an oceanfront cabin in the quiet wilderness.

Using your new found knowledge, pay close attention to see if you can notice the error in our launch.

Step 1: Colin backed the boat trailer into the water.

Step 2: Nancy got on the tailgate and released the safety latch. She cranked the winch handle counter clockwise until there is slack in the tether.

Step 4: Colin reversed truck deeper into the water and stopped suddenly so the boat will release off the trailer easier and launch into the water.

I’m going to pause there for a minute. Ok class, pop quiz. Did you notice the error?

DING DING DING! You got it!  We missed Step 3. That all-important Step 3.

UNHOOK BOAT FROM WINCH.

Here’s what happened after step 2.

As mentioned above, I was sitting on the tailgate. I don’t know how our communication failed so badly... but I hadn’t yet unhooked the boat when Colin reversed, slammed on the brakes and intended to send the boat barreling into the sea. The boat released quickly, taking with it the tether, which caused the winch to furiously spin! It didn’t spin for long though, because my leg was right under it. The winch handle made a half turn, and then pinned my leg to the tailgate!

All the weight of the boat (plus whatever G-force was involved) was focused an inch above my knee. I had to rely on Colin for this part of the story because I don't remember much due to the pain-induced stupor. Apparently I was screaming, and they had to pull the boat back on to the trailer to release it from my leg.

My leg started to swell and turn a resplendent shade of red instantly. I was helped to the front seat of the truck where I ripped off my pants. Right there on the boat launch. We took off in the truck right away towards… the hospital? A doctor? A corner store for ice? We didn’t quite know yet, but we left our poor friends at the dock holding onto our boat on a rope, wondering if or when we’d be back (and if I’d be missing a limb).

We opted for ice. When the swelling went down enough to put pants back on, we went back to the dock (after finding a free parking spot of course). Our friends were still patiently holding on to the boat-on-a-rope. We all got in and went on our weekend getaway. 

True, I couldn’t walk and was in pain for the whole weekend. And yes, my leg changed from various hues of red to purple, green and black, just like the sunsets we watched. But I figured the cold Ocean I’d be spending a lot of the weekend in would be therapeutic. And it was.

After the swelling went down (we’re talking at least a week later), I noticed that I had a dent in my leg.

To this day (a decade later) I still have that dent to remind me to UNHOOK THE BOAT FROM THE WINCH.

Don’t you just love it when someone else learns the hard lessons for you? 

You're welcome.




Monday, December 23, 2013

Merry Christmas, and Thank-You



Anyone who uses Highway 1 to commute to Vancouver knows that the past handful of years haven’t been a cakewalk. Come to think of it, the only good thing about the freeway has been the lack of police presence.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE when the police are there to catch all the HOV cheaters and the people who didn’t get the memo that texting and talking on cell phones is I-L-L-E-G-A-L here. But whenever there’s a police car, there’s a standstill on the freeway. The absence of freeway shoulders had temporarily forced the police away.

Back to our commuting headaches:

-          Traffic congestion
-          Construction workers who forget to pick up the cones from the overnight shift and take the 3 lane freeway down to 2 for morning rush hour
-          Ice spikes falling from the overhead bridge cables, destroying everything in their path
-  sign confusion


Let’s talk about sign confusion.

First up:

This sign is almost completely useless unless dated and timed. Traffic patterns are changing daily (if not more frequent), so I never did know if they were warning me about a new thing that happened last night, or reminding me of the change that happened last week (or month).

This got me into trouble once. The “new traffic pattern” actually WAS a “new traffic pattern” and I had to swerve into another lane to avoid taking an unwanted trip across the new toll bridge to Surrey.

These signs should have all said:

Next up:



Juggling baby pogo-sticking in the Ocean?? Ok, I’ll beware of those.

And my personal favourite. I had to draw it because I’m sure it’s the only one of its kind:



When you are trying to merge onto the freeway, this sign at the start of the freeway entrance holds a lot of information to digest in a short amount of time. Especially since by the time you SEE it, you’ve already committed to a lane. Also, this sign was put up several months before this traffic pattern was actually true. It should have been this at first:


The orange dots above are construction cones, aka, freeway chicken pox (This construction project made me hate the colour orange in the same way Superstore made me hate yellow).

However, I was not seeing red on the drive in this morning! Most of the bad memories of crazy construction traffic melted away as I flew down the freeway without even as much as tapping the breaks! I think some of my grey hairs even turned back to brown!

While I was on the freeway, I didn’t even change lanes. This is notable for a few reasons:

1. I didn’t even ONCE have to merge with another lane, even though I entered and exited the freeway legally!

2. The traffic moved fast enough for me to not have to PASS anyone!

I got to work so early that I didn’t have to run in my heels to get to my office! Granted, the week before Christmas there is usually less traffic, but I did leave for work 10 minutes later than usual (thanks to that blasted Elf on the Shelf that I forgot to set up last night). I may even be able to get up later than 5:10 from now on! I’ll be less tired and cranky, and for that, my husband and kids thank you too.

So to Kiewit for all your hard work, and to the Province of BC tax payers for funding this project, MERRY CHRISTMAS, and thank-you.




Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Saskatchewan Road Trip



Rewind back to 2002. I’d been married for almost a year and had no kids.

We went on a road trip to Saskatchewan in August of 2002.

Most of his extended family members are farmers, and we stayed on a dairy & beef farm while we were there. Either that, or a mammoth grasshopper farm. It was really exciting! This was my first time on a real farm! A calf was born seconds before our arrival!

I learned plenty of things about cows on this trip from 2 of the family farms:

1. They come when they are called, especially when food is involved.
2. They all have names, and their names have to start with a specific letter, depending on your farm (I think that’s how it goes, it’s been over a decade)
3. They get milked by machines. I know, I know. Ignorant city girl.
4. They are scary. If you’re in a field with them, they’ll follow you when your back is turned. But if you spin around and look at them… they freeze. It’s like playing “Go, go, go, STOP” with a pack of thousand pound beasts. Shudders.

Although fascinating, learning about cows was not the purpose of the road trip. It was to attend Colin’s cousin’s wedding.

The wedding ceremony itself was a beautiful event, but what really sticks in my mind is what happened at the beginning of the reception.

At dinner time, we bowed our heads for prayer. Then, the most shocking and beautiful thing happened! More than 200 Mennonites simultaneously sprung into gorgeous 15 part harmony and sang the doxology as the pre-dinner prayer:

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,
Praise Him all creatures here below,
Praise Him above, ye heavenly hosts,
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
Amen.

As they belted their praise with closed eyes, I looked around nervously like I missed the memo instructing everyone to do this. I also couldn’t find the lyrics written anywhere! I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve been a Christian since I was 5 and I still did not know the words. (We have since Mennonite-ized our own family, and sing this several times a week for our dinner prayers, although it sounds N-O-T-H-I-N-G like it did in Saskatchewan!!)

Apparently one of the requirements of living in a Mennonite area is that you must be musically endowed, as the reception was almost like a concert. Many guests presented musical numbers throughout the evening and into the wee hours of the morning. Just beautiful!

We got back to the farm about 2 am. This should have been ok. A 23 year old without kids should be fine staying up so late.

But the next day had a mind of its own…

We woke up at 4 am (after about 2 hours of sleep) and drove to a nearby town to meet one of Colin’s old fishing buddies who had moved from the Coquitlam area to Saskatchewan several years earlier. Let’s call him Bob.

Bob planned a fishing day for Colin and himself, and I kinda tagged along. Being a newlywed, I suppose I was still in the phase of pretending I liked fishing. Or maybe I was afraid of being alone on the farm with the cows?

We drove for HOURS to get to this lake. We were more in the middle of flipping NOWHERE than I’d ever been in my life. I thought we’d hit the Northwest Territories border when the announcement was made that we were almost there.

Shortly thereafter, we saw a cat. A HUGE cat. I couldn’t believe my eyes! It was a lynx! It was creepy the way it sauntered across the road with confidence, making no effort to quicken its pace for us.

Yay! I saw a lynx!! Yay! I’m fishing in… lynx… territory!?!

Fishing was… well, fishing. We caught stinky and slimy fish, much different than ones on the coast. We even used different lures: the 5 of diamonds. Why I remember this, I don't know. This is classified as "useless information" that I would prefer to delete our of my memory bank to make room for something more interesting. 

We fished allllll day on the cold and windy lake. I learned how to pee out of a boat because the men don't want to go to shore. Useful skill.

Dinner hour has passed and we were starving. But have no fear! Bob has dinner planned for us! He takes his camp stove out of his truck and makes dinner on the side of the lake. He makes us fish. Juuuust fish. A big ol’ plate of Northern Pike coated in Fish Crisp (a.k.a. Shake-‘n-Bake for fish).

It’s getting dark so we start the long drive back home. There was no moon out that night, and no street lights, since we are, let me remind you, in the middle of nowhere. I am totally exhausted and looking forward to sleeping the whole way back when all of a sudden… everything goes black. Everything. 

The headlights, dashboard lights…every light in the truck stops working. Bob can’t see a THING. He makes it to what may, or may not have been the side of the road and diagnoses that the fuses are blown. He fiddled for awhile, but no luck. We were without any type of driving light in a situation where you can’t see your hand in front of your face.

Bob is quite adventurous/calm/crazy, so he decided to keep going, despite the fact that he couldn’t see:
-          the road
-          animals to avoid
-          any street signs he may need to turn at

Luckily, there was no oncoming traffic at that location and time, because they wouldn’t be able to see us coming.

Somehow, using the different textures and sounds of ‘hard road’ vs ‘gravel road shoulder’ as a guide, he *slowly* inched his way back into town. It turned our 4 hour trip into a panic-stricken, white-knuckled 6 hours or more.

At 2 am, we return (miraculously alive and unscathed) to his house and say our goodbyes.

Utterly spent (physically and emotionally), we start driving back to the farm. All of a sudden, bright green swirls cover the sky. The Northern Lights!?!

Thanks, God. Your timing is impeccable. Could’ve used these a few hours ago!

We pulled over, turned off the car, and allowed the beautiful display calm our nerves.

Next time, I’m staying at the farm. I’ll take my chances with the cows.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Curb Appeal


People who know me well, know that my thumb is completely black. I have a total of 6 house plants, 5 of which are in the “succulent category” so do not require any specific care (or maybe they do… I don’t know). I sometimes remember to water them, but I catch my mom watering them when she notices that the cacti are thirsty.

I’ve recently branched out to “tropical air plants”. They have no roots, and only require a misting from a spray bottle once per day. After forgetting to mist them for their first 4 days at our house, I’ve taught Evan how to do it. It’s sad that I’m counting on a 4 year old to care for my plants, but he’ll do a much better job, especially since a spray bottle is involved.

Sometimes I wonder how I’ve kept my kids alive.

Colin comes from a long line of farmers. He doesn’t so much care about having a pretty yard with flowers, but he is the gardener in our house. He plants the veggies, the kids water them, and I weed. Because that’s all I’m good for: destroying plants.

Due to my lack of landscaping skills, I had “nicely landscaped yard with a lawn” on my list of must-haves for our potential new home last year. I figured that if it was nice to begin with, we could maintain it. But to start from scratch? Impossible.

This is what we got.

 It actually doesn’t look too bad from this angle…if you like junipers. What you CAN’T see is the 4 square metres of ivy and morning glory (a swear word in our house) up to 3 feet thick behind the mammoth juniper bush in the front. You also can’t see the other mammoth juniper bush. From NO angle can you see the ground, but I’m willing to bet there is not a single blade of grass on the entire thing.


 (View from the living room)
This wasn’t on our list of things to fix at the beginning, but when the kids wanted to ride their bikes on the street, I had nowhere to watch them from. And there’s no front lawn to play on. So I thought, “Hmm. I’ll take it on as my project to make a front lawn”.

[hits head] Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

And so it began.

For the next YEAR, whenever the kids played in the front, I’d rip up ivy or search and destroy morning glory roots. Hardly a garbage day went by without a full green waste bin. I could even be found gardening in the pouring rain if I hadn’t yet had the chance to fill the bin. The neighbours think I’m nuts. They also thought I was a bear one time when I was gardening in the pitch black at some stupid hour. Freaked them right out.

At the deepest point of the ivy, I discovered two huge stumps several feet tall from evergreen trees of some sort. Pretty bad when something that big is concealed by the devil vines.

Next…the junipers. I do know that God created the world and everything in it. However, the juniper shrub is straight from hell. If not the whole shrub, then at least the bottom anchor root that shoots straight down to the middle of the earth.

Considering that touching a juniper shrub is as pleasant as hugging a hedgehog, I don’t know WHY, but our kids and the neighbour kids liked to use them as chairs. They’d climb up on top of them and chill out, or jump on them like a trampoline. One day, the neighbour reached inside of it and pulled out a toaster. A camera. Also, spray paint cans and beer bottles.

Everyone stop reading. I’d like all of you to find a juniper (I don’t care where) and completely remove it (stump and all) with only:
-         your hands
-         gloves, if you can reach where your husband has put them
-         a trowel
-         a pair of loppers (which will be bent out of shape at the end)
-         a waiver that says you won’t sue me if you get hurt

Done? Ok. I’m sorry about all the blood, sweat, tears and scars (both physical and emotional) that caused you, but you can’t POSSIBLY relate until you’ve done it.

It was a nightmare…13 times over.

We have underground lines running through the front yard, so we were not allowed to rip the shrubs and their 35 year old spider web root system out with a truck. We had to smite these enemies with our bare hands.

On the first bush, I took the branches off with loppers. I enlisted Colin’s chainsaw when I realized that I’d be 237 years old by the time I lopped off the branches. Advice: I don’t care how hot it is. Wear boots, pants, long sleeves and gloves. These barbed-wire bushes are not fun to handle.

Next was the demoralizing task of digging out all the stumps… 13…by hand. The first one came out in a hour long fit of rage. I was walking past it and impaled my leg on one of the jagged branch ends. Bleeding, I went berserk on that beast until I was holding the stump and roots in the air, laughing like a mad woman and grunting like a man.

For those who didn’t take up my challenge, here are the steps for the stump removal part:
-         Dig and dig and dig and dig and dig and dig until a root is exposed
-         Sever root
-         Wiggle the stump to see if it’s moving
-         It’s not
-         Expose another root
-         Sever
-         Wiggle
-         Contemplate taking up swearing. Cry instead.
-         Repeat all steps for an absolute MINIMUM of an hour (possibly two, three, four…)

I did most of the stump removal this spring when one or both of the kids were at school. They love digging and using loppers, so when they were home, I got some “help” too. Colin joined the party for the truly awful ones I saved for last.The ones that had intertwined roots, and you couldn't tell which root belonged to which shrub.

On the final week leading up to grass planting time, I brought out my super hero ability of working my butt off without realizing how tired my body is. I’d spend up to 10 hours a day in that stupid yard by myself, with Colin, or our hired help (my Mom, whom I inherited my super hero powers from).

Nathan and Evan, being the sweet boys they are, would bring us snacks and water without being asked. They also got their bikes out and dirt biked on the lawn we were trying to build.

We got about 5 (or 6? Stopped counting) yards of dirt to level the yard. And finally…grass planting time (this is where Colin totally takes over as it is no longer a destruction process, but a growing one).

Fast forward a month, and now look at our beautiful lawn!


It has taken countless hours over more than a year to get to this point, and who knows how many years off our lives! 


Just as we’re about to step on the podium and accept our medal for our wonderful performance, we see this:


And this:



Flipping mole hills?? In my brand new lawn??

YOU. HAVE. GOT. TO. BE. JOKING.

Someone get me a mallet because we’re about to play "Whack-A-Mole". I’ll keep you posted and let you know who wins. And if you ever stop by my house…feel free to play along.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving, Deer



Happy belated Thanksgiving! We spent the weekend where we usually do on Canadian Thanksgiving… in the States.

Since we head down every year, I wanted to do something a little different than usual, so I decided to turn my trailer into a “Thanksbucks”. I brought my espresso machine and served Pumpkin Spice Lattes, Caramel Macchiatos and Crème Caramel Lattes (among others) to whoever came by. It was a lot of fun!

I almost got busted by the Park Ranger for not having a concession license but when he found out they were free, I was all good. Evan, on the other hand, was hustling out of a wagon.

Every year, the kid’s Preschool has a “mandatory fundraiser”. You must, MUST sell 30 chocolate bars for $2 each. Oh, and don’t send the coins in. They require a CHEQUE for $60. So basically, we give the school $60 and then I have $60 in change to waste spend on coffee.

This is our 4th and thankfully last year to do this. We got the box right before the trip, so we brought it with us. Colin and Evan went from site to site, selling the chocolates to the hungry hunters who shared the campground with our crew. He pawned them all off except 5. The best part? We were paid mostly in USD! Nice!

Since Thanksgiving was quite late this year, we were lucky enough to be at the campground at the commencement of the hunting season. The campground is obviously a no-hunting zone. The deer must know that, because it is FULL of deer. They mosey around the campsite, and you can get quite close to them before they spook and bound off. I once stood in one place and counted 40.

The Park Ranger came by to our campsite in the morning and “warned” us that the hunters may be bringing back their kill later in the day.

“Yup, we’re veterans of hunting season at this campground” I said, trying to look tough. Sadly enough, we have experienced this several times. Not the kids though.

I decided it was necessary to prep the kids for what they might see later. In their short number of years on the planet, they have no experience at all seeing dead animals (except fish and crab), and certainly nothing as big as a deer. Their poor innocent and pure eyes and minds are about to get a shock. I, Mama Bear, must protect them.

Me: “[blah, blah, blah] camo [blah, blah blah] guns [blah, blah, blah] shoot [blah, blah, blah] dead. Then, the hunters are going to hang the dead deer in the trees from their antlers. How does that make you feel?”

Nathan (wide-eyed): “AWWWWWWWWWWESOME!”

Clearly this won’t scar them for life.

Sure enough, I looked out the trailer window a bit later in the day as I was waking up from a nap and saw a lifeless deer hanging by it’s antlers from a nearby tree.

I have never in my life seen my kids get their shoes on so fast. Nathan is practically running as he puts his shoes on mid-stride. And Evan? If he EVER falls limp on the floor and says, “I don’t know how to put my shoes on!” EVER AGAIN… I swear…. I’ve seen proof, Evan.

I break into a sprint so I can get there first. I want to assess the gore factor before they get too close. I probably looked like a red-neck woman who just couldn’t WAIT to get a good look at the kill. Not so. 

First, I asked the hunters if we could come and take a look. Talk about inflated egos. I purposefully corral the kids to one side, the side without the bullet hole or slashed open belly. Yes I realize this is, like, the best day of Nathan’s life, but let’s ease into it.

A few quiet moments of reflection, and then the questions/comments come out like rapid-fire.

 “Can I pet it?”

“Why are his eyes open?”

“Is it dead?”

“Look! There’s blood dripping from his bum!”

“Why does his belly have a cut?”

“How did it die?”

“OH LOOK! There’s where the gun shot it!!!”

I managed to tear them away from the CSI scene before they noticed the slice through the, um, throat. We went back to our campsite. Not long after, a truck drove by with a dead bear on the back of it, and it stopped just feet from our site.

Here we go again.

“Are his claws still sharp?”

“Can I pet it?”  (ENOUGH WITH THE TOUCHING!! IT’S DEAD!!!)

“Are you going to eat it?”

“Look! His tongue is hanging out of his mouth!”

I just wished it was Bob.

Later still, Nathan ran up to me and exclaimed, “MOMMY!!! COME SEE!!! They’re peeling off the deer’s fur and now you can see the MEAT inside!!!”.

Um, no thanks. I have to, um, make a latte.